The Usual + News

Too much of my life the past few years has been spent craving and mourning and missing a person I didn't really know very well, who was in my life for a very short period of time, about five years ago. Maybe I just need(ed) something (new) to pin my everlasting pathological grief on, and my brain--for an unknown reason--picked Adam Rose. I have done that in the past....obsessed over other friends, other boys, other family members, other events, other losses.....to fake my soul into believing there exists a legitimate reason it feels this way. The unrequited agony of loving Earth Boy, the missing piece of my soul thanks to the Funeral Service, and the pain, the confusion, even the absence of the baby were all fading into the glass-encased past right about the same time he asked me why I sighed so much. Who knows. Simply unlucky timing, perhaps.

In any case, that's not what I got in here to say, and if anyone ever finds this blog they're going to think I'm the saddest girl that ever traveled the U.S. (I'm not [I cry in protest], I just tend to only write here when I have something to get out that I can't say to anyone else, on account of it being stupid or mad.) What I meant to say was that my school loans aren't going through and my car (the new one, mind you) broke down today and I haven't got any money to fix that either so if something doesn't happen fast I won't be going to school at all. Not Private Christian University, anyway. But my uncle's going to look at the car and we have one more option with loans, so peradventure it might work out after all.

I did mention to God that I was trying very hard to trust Him that all the money and school things would come through, so maybe He's just giving me a nice test situation in order to prove it. In which case, I suppose I will just sally onward. (With a bit of help from Dorito.s, Ugly Betty and chick-lit.)

I remember standing on your bedroom floor, in my naked feet, as you peeled  off the layers of my winter clothes. The light in your face.

Tonight Katy's car smells just a little, teeny bit like you did, for just those few months.

Four, five years it's been, and still I cannot forget you. When will you leave me, when, when will you leave me?

Closure, Evasive

I miss him.

I miss him so much.

I can't believe he doesn't want me in his life anymore, not even as a marginal side character.

This is so pathetic. I am embarrassing, wretched. It's been four years. FOUR. Years! It's absurd. I can't live the rest of my life like this, this has to go away, I have to find a way to deal with this. Of all the shitty things that have happened to me in my life, why is this the one that stuck?

I was thinking about it yesterday and, based on the amount of time it's taken me to "get over" other things, I reasoned that perhaps in another two years he would be gone from me. Maybe in another two years the memories will no longer make me wince, or cry. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

Geez. My soul is seared; he probably can't even remember what my face looks like. Loving someone can get pretty brutal.

That's the thing. If I didn't love him, maybe this wouldn't matter so much anymore. Yes, he was rotten to me, but that's that (like a newborn baby, it just happens every day). But I love him anyway and I think that's the problem. Yes, he hurt me. But the true cause for the distress is not what he did to me, but that he's gone.  I have forgiven him for all that mess. What hurts is the ongoing absence. The fact that I am perfectly inconsequential. I would forgive him for anything. Anything. I just miss him. I love him. I don't want to love him. I can't find the off switch.

I had just always thought we were friends.


Ughh, [self-loathing] .......

Isolated T-Storms

Lately I've felt like each day is a lucid dream I'm wading though. I've been stretching my fingers out to make sure I'm still there. My friends have stopped calling. I dream about Adam Rose, and sit on the floor of the library trying to pick out a fluff novel but am unable to make it through most of the book jackets. I walk around town in the rain.


I guess I'm just waiting to run into you.


I always think of you more when it rains.