Closure, Evasive

I miss him.

I miss him so much.

I can't believe he doesn't want me in his life anymore, not even as a marginal side character.

This is so pathetic. I am embarrassing, wretched. It's been four years. FOUR. Years! It's absurd. I can't live the rest of my life like this, this has to go away, I have to find a way to deal with this. Of all the shitty things that have happened to me in my life, why is this the one that stuck?

I was thinking about it yesterday and, based on the amount of time it's taken me to "get over" other things, I reasoned that perhaps in another two years he would be gone from me. Maybe in another two years the memories will no longer make me wince, or cry. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

Geez. My soul is seared; he probably can't even remember what my face looks like. Loving someone can get pretty brutal.

That's the thing. If I didn't love him, maybe this wouldn't matter so much anymore. Yes, he was rotten to me, but that's that (like a newborn baby, it just happens every day). But I love him anyway and I think that's the problem. Yes, he hurt me. But the true cause for the distress is not what he did to me, but that he's gone.  I have forgiven him for all that mess. What hurts is the ongoing absence. The fact that I am perfectly inconsequential. I would forgive him for anything. Anything. I just miss him. I love him. I don't want to love him. I can't find the off switch.

I had just always thought we were friends.


Ughh, [self-loathing] .......