The End of June

Tonight he smelled like summer //beer and the light sheen of sweat on tan skin//.

He was asleep when I tiptoed into his bedroom, so asleep that he didn't stir even when I dropped my keys and crawled into bed beside him. He was warm, and I cried, and eventually the rise and fall of his chest calmed the thunderstorm inside me. I could see him struggling to wake up, open his eyes, and he squeezed my hand a little.

Later he held me close with both arms wrapped around me and wouldn't let me get out of bed when it was time.

I didn't even mind.

Well...

...Googling cervical dysplasia did me a lot of good.

Just kidding. It scared me so much I cried.

I've got another repeat PAP coming up, on Tara's birthday. This will be the... fifth? one, I think?, since my gyno originally found the abnormal cells. That's all they have ever told me. "Abnormal cells." "We'll keep an eye on it." "Come back in six months." Suddenly this is striking me as suspicious.

Atlas and I had violent sex last night, which resulted in me shuffling around in pain all day. The typical aftershock of rough sex, I presume, but this was worse than any time I can remember before. My boss actually approached me and offered to send me home. I was confused. "You don't have to, I'm just saying, you can if you need to," she said, very concerned, low tone. "You look like you're in a lot of pain." That made me laugh. It's not like this was the first time Atlas and I have had very rough sex, and I have never experienced this level and duration of pain afterwards, so I thought my cervix must be very low. When I checked it, it was indeed very low....and there were bumps on it. Three or so, it scared me so I didn't stick around to feel it out much more. I haven't checked my own cervix since I lived in Cincinnati, over two years ago, so it's very possible they've been there for ages and mean nothing. But I mean, come on, who ever heard of bumps on your cervix? Possibly everyone but me, but hey! You don't know, you don't know.

Anyway, I Googled that first, which led to the aforementioned panic and crying.

I know I don't really have anything to worry about. I'm glad my re-PAP is coming up soon, though. Put my mind at ease. And I am going to be drilling the doctor...they're my own abnormal cells and I need to know about them!

*sigh