Last Night

We went on a walk after I got home from class. The quiet threaded between our arms and legs and swirled 'round our heads, though we talked of other things. We held hands the whole time, and we both kept squeezing so tight, fear in our fingers, and in the hearts we thought we might be losing.

When I walked him back to his car, he wrapped both arms around me and said, "Well, if you decide to leave me, I hope you find someone who loves you as much as I do."

Psychotherapizing Myself

We got in a fight on Sunday and haven't spoken since yesterday morning. I honestly think this is the longest we've gone without speaking in over a year. And you know what? I'm not upset. In fact, it's been nice to be free from him for a day or two. I'm in no hurry to call him. I'm enjoying the time off.

Yes, I realize the phrases I just chose.

I don't know if I'm just annoyed because we talk on the phone at least three times a day, EVERY DAY (and rarely go two without seeing each other). Annoyed because I feel as if I'm being swallowed up by him; I'm having trouble remembering who I am(was), the things I liked to do, the kind of movies I used to watch, the food I liked to eat. I go along with his ideas to be agreeable and it's been building up all this time, and now two years later I'm finally starting to look around and think, "Hey, who the hell am I?" I'm not me anymore, not Angela. I think that's why I've been so bored lately. Because I don't really enjoy almost any of the things Atlas and I do together, not really.

Huh.

And the thing is, I go along with his ideas because, more often than not, in the moment I don't really mind, and it's better to do what he wants than to do what I want, because he likes almost nothing that I like, and is a complete sourpuss when I talk him into something he wouldn't have chosen for himself. Then I'm uncomfortable and can't enjoy myself. If we listen to music he doesn't like, watch a television show he doesn't want to watch, go out for dinner or to the bar when he'd rather have stayed in (which, let's face it, is ALWAYS), he completely withdraws and sort of closes himself off, to me, and what's happening around us. It's very weird. He was always saying, "team, team, team," but we are not a team. It's like, he wants me in his life, but he doesn't want to have to alter anything about it to accomodate another person being a very close part of it.

He's calling. I answered.

you're there, you're there, you're always there

I miss you.

I MISS YOU.

I MISS YOU!

I MISS YOU!!!

How could you have done that to me? WHY? WHY? I LOVED YOU SO MUCH.

(it is the thunder of my soul.)

i would be a mad hatter except i'm not too fond of hats

HELP!

Meds adjusted upwards. Hopefully I'll feel better soon.

As it is, I can hardly stand being around Atlas. The thought of spending the rest of my life with him sounds like true and utter punishment. He is terrificly annoying, has no sex drive, and acts like a goon.

I know you aren't supposed to run your life based on feelings, but you can't completely ignore them, right? They have to mean SOMETHING, right? Complicating the matter, I'm not sure that any of my current feelings are even REAL.

Not being able to trust your own mind because you're half-mad sucks and it makes me nervous and panicky.

And now I've stayed up too late and have no time to take a nap before class.

(I'm half-afraid I'll tell Atlas the unflattering statements above. Those are things you can't take back. Ever. The other half is afraid I won't say anything at all.

What do I deserve? What will I get?

College is a Little Scary

Trying to figure out exactly what I need to take and in what sequence is frazzling me. I just want someone to hand me an outline and say, "This is exactly what you need to take and when to pre-req you for OSU in this many years." (Sad to say "years" instead of "months." I have effectively been in college forever.)

They're starting to recognize me at the advisors office.

In the words of Katelin at Dubbs Pubbs, "Help!"