Psychotherapizing Myself
We got in a fight on Sunday and haven't spoken since yesterday morning. I honestly think this is the longest we've gone without speaking in over a year. And you know what? I'm not upset. In fact, it's been nice to be free from him for a day or two. I'm in no hurry to call him. I'm enjoying the time off.
Yes, I realize the phrases I just chose.
I don't know if I'm just annoyed because we talk on the phone at least three times a day, EVERY DAY (and rarely go two without seeing each other). Annoyed because I feel as if I'm being swallowed up by him; I'm having trouble remembering who I am(was), the things I liked to do, the kind of movies I used to watch, the food I liked to eat. I go along with his ideas to be agreeable and it's been building up all this time, and now two years later I'm finally starting to look around and think, "Hey, who the hell am I?" I'm not me anymore, not Angela. I think that's why I've been so bored lately. Because I don't really enjoy almost any of the things Atlas and I do together, not really.
Huh.
And the thing is, I go along with his ideas because, more often than not, in the moment I don't really mind, and it's better to do what he wants than to do what I want, because he likes almost nothing that I like, and is a complete sourpuss when I talk him into something he wouldn't have chosen for himself. Then I'm uncomfortable and can't enjoy myself. If we listen to music he doesn't like, watch a television show he doesn't want to watch, go out for dinner or to the bar when he'd rather have stayed in (which, let's face it, is ALWAYS), he completely withdraws and sort of closes himself off, to me, and what's happening around us. It's very weird. He was always saying, "team, team, team," but we are not a team. It's like, he wants me in his life, but he doesn't want to have to alter anything about it to accomodate another person being a very close part of it.
He's calling. I answered.
Yes, I realize the phrases I just chose.
I don't know if I'm just annoyed because we talk on the phone at least three times a day, EVERY DAY (and rarely go two without seeing each other). Annoyed because I feel as if I'm being swallowed up by him; I'm having trouble remembering who I am(was), the things I liked to do, the kind of movies I used to watch, the food I liked to eat. I go along with his ideas to be agreeable and it's been building up all this time, and now two years later I'm finally starting to look around and think, "Hey, who the hell am I?" I'm not me anymore, not Angela. I think that's why I've been so bored lately. Because I don't really enjoy almost any of the things Atlas and I do together, not really.
Huh.
And the thing is, I go along with his ideas because, more often than not, in the moment I don't really mind, and it's better to do what he wants than to do what I want, because he likes almost nothing that I like, and is a complete sourpuss when I talk him into something he wouldn't have chosen for himself. Then I'm uncomfortable and can't enjoy myself. If we listen to music he doesn't like, watch a television show he doesn't want to watch, go out for dinner or to the bar when he'd rather have stayed in (which, let's face it, is ALWAYS), he completely withdraws and sort of closes himself off, to me, and what's happening around us. It's very weird. He was always saying, "team, team, team," but we are not a team. It's like, he wants me in his life, but he doesn't want to have to alter anything about it to accomodate another person being a very close part of it.
He's calling. I answered.
posted by Angela at 3:34 PM
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