Running

Lingering in front of a certain book at Borders, I get The Feeling in my stomach. It reaches up to my chest, then up the back of my throat into my head, and then throughout my whole body to every single little nerve ending.

I force myself not to open it (the book). I swallow hard, turn, walk quickly, purposefully to the escalator. I hurry down, get stalled by a couple standing still and riding. I bypass them on the first floor. Head towards the glass doors that will deposit me on the street, smiling and nodding at my boy working them (tall, dyed-black hair growing out light-brown, kind eyes).

I am outside, on the sidewalk. (I sidestep an Asian man, excuse myself.) I turn towards Sutter. I take off running. I run. I am desperate, clawing, to get The Feeling out. I pound. My boots hit the metal coverings, make loud clanking sounds. Pedestrians and bums looks at me sideways and I don't care.

Half-way between Powell and Mason I run The Feeling out. Thank god that didn't take long. I pant, walk to the street crossing. If only I could run -you- out. Maybe Time will. She has run others out.

Maybe I should be referring to Time in the masculine. Since I hate them both.

Maybe I should get over that.

On the 600 block I pass a girl that lives in my building. (Short, cute, fashion major.) I give her a clipped smile of acknowledgement. She smiles back, but reluctantly. Mouth only. Eyes staying blank. She doesn't want to know me.

I pick up running again, past the 17-year-old smoking, skid to a stop in front of the dorm door. It's wedged open. Good. In the lobby. There is an elevator, waiting, empty. I dart inside. Two. Door close. Collapse and sag against the walls. Cables squealing, breathing hard.

At Least I'm Not Puking!

I am so very, very sick.

First my throat hurt. Then my chest was congested. Then my throat was on fire, and I had a hard time falling asleep that first night because I had to swallow and I had to cough but it hurt so bad it made me cry. I also lost my voice. Now my throat is almost completely better -thank goodness! that was so painful- ...but now my nose is stuffy, my eyes are watering, I have a headache, I'm still coughing, my voice is still vacationing in Hawaii and I think I might have a fever. I am exhausted. I feel really bad.

There is so much homework I'm not getting done. Blagh, but that opens up a whole new can of worms. So let's just leave it at: I sure hope I feel better on Monday.

So many girls in the dorm are sick. Out of our little posse of 7, only 1 (I think) hasn't been ill. We've all been eating very unbalanced diets consisting almost solely of pasta, bread, and rice. Our immune systems are down. Plus, it's winter. (Tell me, what is it about this season that makes everyone get sick? It's de facto, but... why?)

It's pretty crummy 'cause there's no one to make me tea and soup and hug me and insist that I lie down. Everybody needs to be taken care of when they are sick, I have decided. I remember when I got sick when I was little, I would lay on the couch in my pjs and my blankets, and my mom would sit next to me, and make me drink water through a straw out of a paper cup (always) to make sure I didn't get dehydrated....

Heh.

I know worse things could happen and have happened; I'm not saying the world sucks because I don't feel good. But being sick on top of everything else is just not helping, and besides, this is my blog, and I reserve the right to wallow on it.

That said, I need to get off the computer and stop leaving my germy fingerprints on the mouse and keyboard.

Send me some good energy if you're reading, if you think about it...

Today is the 15th

All The Things You Should Have Said

You're doing it again
You know, sometimes I don't even know who you are
And I don't think you know how bad it hurts
'Cause you don't have to see the scars
If you knew how bad you made me feel you'd never do a thing like this again
If it's just a game you're playing I don't think I'll make it to the end

'Cause I don't think I'd last that long
Baby, I'm not that strong
So if you care about me, you gotta stop acting this way

Or I'm leaving today
I'll say goodbye to my favorite face
Don't wanna go, but I just can't stay
And be treated...
I won't be treated this way

At time I think I love you and at times I know I've finally found the one
But it's times like this that make me feel the game of love has only just begun
You know I'd never leave but making threats to you could be the only way
I love everything about you but when I'm in doubt then something's gotta change

'Cause I don't think I'd last that long
Baby, I'm not that strong
So if you care about me you gotta stop acting this way

Or I'm leaving today
I'll say goodbye to to my favorite face
Don't wanna go, but I just can't stay
And be treated...
I won't be treated this way
__________________________________

"Leavin'"
The Plain White Ts
from the album, Stop

Today I

Sat in the dark for three hours going over slides in my photostoryboarding class. Sooo close to falling asleep. 'Twas not fun.

Wore the dress that the lady who owned one of the head shops on Haight said was beautiful and looked like a wedding dress.

Got the start of what looks like the Mississippi Death Plague from Lauren, one of my neighbors. Sneezing, sniffling, sore throat- more fun will ensue.

Was so levelheaded that I am scared of what will happen tomorrow.

Sixty-Six

Today is John Lennon's birthday.

I love you, John. Happy birthday!

I'm alive...

...but have been too depressed to post lately.

Yes, I no longer live with my parents, and rarely even speak to them anymore.
Yes, I no longer live in Country Central, USA.
Yes, I live in San Francisco.
Yes, I am majoring in film at an art university.
Yes, I have more direction in my life now that I have in months, and it's doing what -I- want to be doing.
I have never been quite so lost, or so miserable.

Okay. Enough of being whiny. I'm actually feeling a lot better now than I was earlier today. Event-wise, today has not been a good day by anyone's definition. Waking up late was a double-whammy: I didn't get in my morning trailer-editing session and I missed class. ::sigh:: 1800 dollars to stuff my pillow. Then I had MUCH trouble during my night trailer-editing session: problems with both my tapes as well as the machine I was using....2 hours of swearing resulted in only one edit being made. And I'm not even going to be able to finish the trailer. Which is due tomorrow. At noon. IF THEY KNOW THAT THEIR COPY OF ALMOST FAMOUS HAS TIMECODE PROBLEMS, WHY DON'T THEY DITCH IT AND GET A NEW ONE?!?! I'm tellin' ya, this school has issues. Anyway, it's 4:30AM and I'm on page 8 of 12 pages of log. Do you know what log is? It's writing down EVERY SHOT of a film, describing it, describing the camera movements made in it, and marking down the timecode. Yessiree. It teh sucks. I've been doing it for 2 1/2 hours and I'm only 17 minutes into the movie. Uck.

Um, this post is disoriented. That's 'cause I'm sleepy.

Anyway, yeah, basically to say today was terrible but I'm feeling a bit better now (within the forever level of suckage) and if you love me you should leave me nice voicemails 'cause that would make me smile. Don't knock the check-in post.

Back to logging...