ntfp = us

On the way home from the Legion of Honor today (where I was truly miserable and was not at all calmed--or distracted), I was listening to Anberlin's sophomore album when suddenly it hit me...

Do you expect me to wait here
all alone in my thoughts and fears?
My whole life could flash before your eyes...
Hope one day that you'll realize
this isn't the way it's supposed to be.
This is your life going on without me.*
May regrets for us well up inside
as feelings for you are buried alive.

"These words are meant for me."

Those words were meant for me.

This is what he would say. Exactly.

It stung.

I could, at long last, see the finality in it. It seemed bleak. "This is what you must have felt like all those months."

I pondered that, even though I was never in love with you, I can't fall in love with anyone else because...because my heart is still covered in your fingerprints. Well, that and the fact that it's also made out of stone.

I didn't even like you. There are a million tiny reasons why it's suddenly become terrifyingly difficult to let go of you.

You would laugh to yourself if you read this. Smugly. You would be pleased at my stupidity. I think you're happy now, which you deserve. And this, this is what I deserve. So then.

It will be over when it is ready to be over. I am at peace with this fact, even while sometimes I wish I could rip my heart out with my own two hands. :)

Tonight I began listing aloud all the things I didn't like about you and that got on my nerves, to help me stop angelicizing you and missing you so much. It was such a successful endeavor (and quite fun as well) that the other girls got in on it as well, until we were all sitting around coming up with things we couldn't stand about our past relationships, for over an hour. This worked quite well for a while. Of course, in the end, we wound up dissolving into puddles of saccharine ooziness over sweet, adorable things that had happened in said past relationships, courtesy of Boy. *sigh* We're so sentimental. But it worked when we gave it a half-ass try.

As I bemoaned today, "I don't have a type. No, my type is psychotic people who aren't that good-looking! Mahh!"

Ah, the trivialities of young love.


*As it turns out, it's actually this is your life girl now without me, but Crystal and I have changed Stephen's lyrics before (i.e. you only stayed to break my heart and we are the loudest ones), so why stop now?

give me one kiss and I'll be happy

oh god don't let me fall in love with him now

Sitting beneath neon lights, that song comes on. Amy is complaining about a new boyfriend (I don't know why she is so mad). I stare dismally into my milkshake, feeling far away, realizing, It makes me happy just to be with you.

Fuck.

"Give me, give me a chance to be near you..." god, this was all so stupid. I know it. I know it is, was, and always will be. And I know it doesn't really matter, but I don't care. I'll willingly be pathetic. It takes too much energy to shut it off, anyway. I take a sip of chocolate malt and lament my dreadful timing. (Not to mention my failing sense of perception, seemingly. You pulled the bag over my head like none other.) It wasn't my drunk talking. I meant it when I said I could kiss you forever.

And I don't even know why. You've caught me in some kind of hazy dance of acceptance, of the present, like nothing I've ever done before. It's new and strange and I want it fiercely. I'll keep dancing if it's what you want. You're acid for my emotions. Or maybe more of a vague addiction, a kind of reverse alcohol: you taste good going down, but I'm not sure if I like the aftereffects. And in spite of my rancid desire to control you, I would be utterly perplexed and disappointed if you ever actually let me. You can make me cry and you can be too blunt and you can make me come back for more and you can make my insides melt like butter in the microwave and you can make me laugh and you can make me happy and you can crush me momentarily and you can offend me and you can make me want to keep you forever, just the way you are, which is, of course, impossible.