Prize Fighters? Or Just Fighters?

We've been getting in arguments a lot lately. Is this a phase? Is this something we are supposed to work through, that will bring us closer together? Or are we falling apart?

I'm slightly scared of life because there is so much uncertainty in my future. Little(r) things like where-am-I-going-to-live-next-year, and will-I-get-in-to-Comparative-Religion-next-quarter aren't so bad, although they aren't helping, but the fact that there are huge items still up in the air is making me cluck around like a nervous chicken. Like, what happens if I don't get accepted into either of my chosen nursing programs? How much will things change if Atlas and I don't stay together? How much will they change if we do? Makes my tummy hurt.

I wish I was everything he needs.

baseline drop

I wish I knew if it was that the brand of my birth control makes me feel awesome, or that the generic makes me feel terrible.

I'm thinking about getting off Yaz and switching to something less likely to kill me, and adding an AD as well. The generic of Yaz is no fun, but I've been on it for....three? months now, and I'm really starting to slip away. I had a classic meltdown on Atlas last night. I felt so awful and couldn't convince myself to get out of bed. He called and wanted to come over to cheer me up, and I told him not to because it wouldn't help. He came over anyway, and exactly what I thought would happen, happened. His being there didn't make me feel any better, but when he attempted to leave an hour or so later, I went into a full panic, being convinced that I absolutely could. not. be by myself in the apartment, BEGGING him not to leave me there alone. Naturally, he was annoyed, because I wasn't acting like a normal human being. And of course I kept yelling, "I told you not to come over!" I knew I was being ridiculous, but I couldn't stop. I was so scared and sad that I felt I didn't have physical control over what I was doing.

I haven't been that bad in a loooong time. It sucked. It's like, you cross this line where there's no talking yourself out of it. It's terrifying. And Atlas doesn't get it, not hardly any more than a little bit. I can't explain it to him, because 1) normal people never get it, and 2) I can never explain anything to him.

"You're not crazy," he repeats, a verbal pat on the head.

Saturday Night's All Right for Fighting

The neighbors in my apartment complex are getting hiiiiiiiigh. On my way back from taking the dog out, I stood in the hallway for a few moments before going in, breathing. Reminiscing. And I admitted it out loud.

"I miss him."

I don't know anyone who smokes any more, and that makes me sad.