If One Drinks Much from a Bottle Marked Poison...

A few nights ago a beautiful black man came into work. He looked like money and good taste. He struck up a conversation with Summer and I, in the course of which we learned he was from Chicago. An odd, unexpected little feeling crept into me. A small strike of pain. But it wasn't just my memory. Yeah, the mention of Chicago made me think, "Oh yeah, the White Rabbit," but it wasn't in my brain. It was in my heart. Which was weird, because I thought it was just the betrayal and the rejection and his pretty, pretty shell, but I guess I actually miss him a little, too. Hmm.

sugarloaf

Flat green, with a tinge of yellow-brown that I hate (which usually goes all the way around like a flower).

After work: smudgy make-up, shiny skin.

I like my eyes, I think they're pretty, and people, sometimes strangers even, occasionally compliment them. But they still fall short to me. I wish they were all green, and more vibrant. But as it stands, here they are.

They are tragically, supposedly, the color of jade.

The St. Valentine's Day (E)Massacre

I'm legitimately merry until after dinner, reheating my latte in the microwave, when I suddenly find myself counting up their Valentine's Days. Realizing that I am no longer the main romantic girl in his life story. She is.

I have to step into the living room, away from everyone else. I bite my thumb, blink very hard, breathe deeply and command myself that I'm fine, fine, fine. I step back into the kitchen.

So we've established quite well that I don't feel as if I can live without him. But I can't have him. Soooo, now what? I can't stop living. But I'm just not sure how exactly to go about it.

Hmm. Happy Valentine's Day.

I wonder how you feel about tequila. We never got around to talking about that.

Oh, my Ghost, my Phantom Lover. I miss you.

It's been over two years, yet somehow I still stubbornly and firmly believe our red thread is stretched and tangled. Stretched and tangled, but not broken. How long will I believe that?

"[Her] life was a much smaller affair, surrounded on all sides by these ever-darkening, incomprehensible nights and day."

-Delusions of Grandma, Carrie Fisher, page 13

Angela Gets Rejected Shortly Before Valentine's Day -- Again

The White Rabbit did not come today like he's been professing excitement towards for absolutely weeks. Moreover, he failed to tell me he wasn't coming. But wait! There's more! Two calls, one text, and one message later...I think this is me being officially ignored.

Okay. Third Time's a Charm got over me in a matter of hours, so if this chap's another contestant on Who Can Get Over Angela the Fastest?, I am ready to accept that. Perhaps not pleasantly ready, but ready. But if the lack ---

Oh, wait. A reply.

A simple explanation. WHY COULDN'T THIS HAVE BEEN SAID TWELVE HOURS AGO?!?!

*sigh* This is getting exhausting. And I'm only 20! No wonder single chicks in their 30s tend to get so wigged out... Okay, I didn't phrase that right, it sounds offensive in my head. But, you know what I mean. Shit, Adam Rose moved to Germany without telling me, I should get a free pass for people to be conscientious of me, for at least a little while.

White Rabbit aside, it doesn't help that the images of bloody wrists and high-rise jumps have been haunting me ever since I arrived in Delaware. Confession: I've been wishing I had the courage. To do it right this time. Sooooo, a silly boy that I fell for like a silly girl acting sterotypically male and his age? Not helping me feel any better.

Blah.

"Some day you're gonna look back and realize how good we have it."

I make it half-way down Hills Miller before I start yelling. "It's not fair, that you get to move away, and start a whole new life, in a whole new place, and be perfectly happy, and never come back here, and I have to come back here all the time and SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE EVERYWHERE!"

Adonis' head snaps up. I pat him. "Not you."

A minute later I sigh and say aloud, "No. It's fair. I'm just upset."

Once again, it's all closing in on me. Nothing can be done. There's no escape from you in this town.