like a log, like a bump on a log, like ants on a log
I'm becoming more cliche by the minute.
Yesterday I had a complete, Prozac-add-perfect "clinical depression" moment. Picture this: Me, Crystal, Ponz, and Mahv are at the Reds game. Everyone's eating hot dogs!, cheering!, smiling!, having a great time with their friends!, being totally into the game!, wearing red!, the YMCA is playing and everyone's dancing and singing along!, and I'm. . . . . crying?
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I started crying during the YMCA at a Reds game.
It's just that everyone was so happy and thoroughly enjoying themselves and having a grand time and I was sitting there feeling like total shit, for absolutely no reason. Well, other than the fact that I have severe major depression. And I found this to be so, well, depressing, that I started crying. It was the most "in a bubble" moment I have experienced in a long time; I just felt completely cut off and separate from everyone else and everything that was going on around me. In fact, it was so in-a-bubbley that even as I was crying it occured to me that I should probably be in a commercial for anti-depressants.
Then today in the car as Crystal and I were driving to our parents' house to visit for Father's Day, I had a very literary "wounded third-person main character with a past shows physical symptoms of nervousness and dread while returning home for the first time in 15 years" moment. When we pulled into the turn lane on 23 I started feeling nauseous. Then we were driving down Hills Miller, and the closer we got to the house the tighter my chest got. It started to become hard to breathe. I was clenching and unclenching my hands repeatedly. Fidgeting. Staring hard out the window. When I blurted to Crystal, "god, I don't wanna be here," I was surprised at how stressed out I sounded. Luckily, I saw the triteness of this as it was happening, and so managed a little smile.
Sheesh. What a boring banality I am. I wouldn't be surprised if one day soon I am bumped off by the Fates, just for being so unoriginal.
Yesterday I had a complete, Prozac-add-perfect "clinical depression" moment. Picture this: Me, Crystal, Ponz, and Mahv are at the Reds game. Everyone's eating hot dogs!, cheering!, smiling!, having a great time with their friends!, being totally into the game!, wearing red!, the YMCA is playing and everyone's dancing and singing along!, and I'm. . . . . crying?
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I started crying during the YMCA at a Reds game.
It's just that everyone was so happy and thoroughly enjoying themselves and having a grand time and I was sitting there feeling like total shit, for absolutely no reason. Well, other than the fact that I have severe major depression. And I found this to be so, well, depressing, that I started crying. It was the most "in a bubble" moment I have experienced in a long time; I just felt completely cut off and separate from everyone else and everything that was going on around me. In fact, it was so in-a-bubbley that even as I was crying it occured to me that I should probably be in a commercial for anti-depressants.
Then today in the car as Crystal and I were driving to our parents' house to visit for Father's Day, I had a very literary "wounded third-person main character with a past shows physical symptoms of nervousness and dread while returning home for the first time in 15 years" moment. When we pulled into the turn lane on 23 I started feeling nauseous. Then we were driving down Hills Miller, and the closer we got to the house the tighter my chest got. It started to become hard to breathe. I was clenching and unclenching my hands repeatedly. Fidgeting. Staring hard out the window. When I blurted to Crystal, "god, I don't wanna be here," I was surprised at how stressed out I sounded. Luckily, I saw the triteness of this as it was happening, and so managed a little smile.
Sheesh. What a boring banality I am. I wouldn't be surprised if one day soon I am bumped off by the Fates, just for being so unoriginal.
posted by Angela at 1:52 AM
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