Can you keep a secret?
These days I spend most of my time debating whether or not to break up with Atlas. It seems far-away-and-dire and up-close-and-inconsequential at the same time.
I easily manage to overlook these things:
he does all the cooking
and all the cleaning
he makes my work lunch for me on occasion
he gives massages and back scratches upon request
he is extremely loyal to the point where he doesn't even look at other women -- seriously
he truly loves me
he is always offering to help me with my homework (even though he's not usually that productive at it)
he wants to marry me, have babies, and get a job which would enable me to do nothing but sleep all day and lounge around the house (if we don't have babies, I guess)
...and instead see only these:
he hardly ever wants to fuck me
he makes odd noises and voices that irritate me to no end
he is sort of a social asshole without even realizing it
we don't communicate with each other very well
I don't think we talk enough (not about anything real) or have physical chemistry or get along very well naturally. I wonder if he's asexual or maybe even gay or if we'll ever truly see eye-to-eye.
Speaking of which. He doesn't look me in the eye when we say "I love you." Sometimes he will be looking at me, and I'll get to about "I lo--" and he'll look away. And say, "I love you too" while gazing around the room, with no real feeling behind the phrase.
This greatly disturbs me.
I'm worried we're not meant to end up together, as I have since disconcertingly early in the relationship. I'm not sure why. Something just feels "off." Always has. And I can't quite put my finger on it.
I don't feel a soul connection with him.
He doesn't feel or smell like home to me.
He doesn't look me in the eye when we make love or make me feel desirable (which I always thought was something that happened by default when someone was attracted to you).
I'm just not 100% sold on this.
Isn't it awful?
My mother would be horrified. She's fairly well planned out our wedding already, I'm sure.
In fact, we've kind of planned out our wedding a bit. We've already looked in about a dozen jewelry stores for engagement rings. I'm not as excited about it as I always assumed I would be.
Help.
(I know what I would tell me if I was someone else.)
I easily manage to overlook these things:
he does all the cooking
and all the cleaning
he makes my work lunch for me on occasion
he gives massages and back scratches upon request
he is extremely loyal to the point where he doesn't even look at other women -- seriously
he truly loves me
he is always offering to help me with my homework (even though he's not usually that productive at it)
he wants to marry me, have babies, and get a job which would enable me to do nothing but sleep all day and lounge around the house (if we don't have babies, I guess)
...and instead see only these:
he hardly ever wants to fuck me
he makes odd noises and voices that irritate me to no end
he is sort of a social asshole without even realizing it
we don't communicate with each other very well
I don't think we talk enough (not about anything real) or have physical chemistry or get along very well naturally. I wonder if he's asexual or maybe even gay or if we'll ever truly see eye-to-eye.
Speaking of which. He doesn't look me in the eye when we say "I love you." Sometimes he will be looking at me, and I'll get to about "I lo--" and he'll look away. And say, "I love you too" while gazing around the room, with no real feeling behind the phrase.
This greatly disturbs me.
I'm worried we're not meant to end up together, as I have since disconcertingly early in the relationship. I'm not sure why. Something just feels "off." Always has. And I can't quite put my finger on it.
I don't feel a soul connection with him.
He doesn't feel or smell like home to me.
He doesn't look me in the eye when we make love or make me feel desirable (which I always thought was something that happened by default when someone was attracted to you).
I'm just not 100% sold on this.
Isn't it awful?
My mother would be horrified. She's fairly well planned out our wedding already, I'm sure.
In fact, we've kind of planned out our wedding a bit. We've already looked in about a dozen jewelry stores for engagement rings. I'm not as excited about it as I always assumed I would be.
Help.
(I know what I would tell me if I was someone else.)
posted by Angela at 9:49 PM
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