Quick! Inhale!

Today is sunny and warm, perfect end-of-summer weather. I'm happy with a morning walk and a skirt to twirl in. I smile and make phone calls and take care of my puppy and marvel at how vacuous your absence makes me inside. Not quite my heart, not just my soul, but my insides, like certain capillaries and the places between bone and muscle, little bits of lung, all this space running inside of me that you're supposed to fill. But since you're gone it's just empty. Not even air inside, just completely void of anything. Sealed shut. Dead space. It's strange.

Yes, there are plenty of days (especially lately) where I just want you back in my life, even times where I don't think I can even continue to sit still any longer unless something between us changes. But every once in a while I feel at peace. It's not that I'm not thinking of you, I very much am, but it's how I can see through the pain. Moments, hours, days where I know we're okay, that I'm okay, that I can survive without you, that I can and will be happy on my own in my life. Moments where I believe I can be complete, even, without you.

Today is one of those days. I miss you, but I can live with that, around it. Once I wrote,

Perhaps my aching is just something that is. Not specifically could-have-been-remedied, but just something that has to exist, and does, and is therefore something that is not to be fought. I am just meant to live with that and that is fine.

That's how I feel today. Maybe it's just the sunshine. But that's fine.