.....beauty in the breakdown...

Every once in a while, a feeling of urgency takes me over from the waist up. In my head and in my heart and my guts and my soul. I can't believe I am letting all this time go by without you in my life. Wasting time that we could be together, enjoying each other. Because there really is only so much time. There is an overwhelming need to call you up and say, "Seriously, come home now. Please. This is stupid."

But then I have to remind myself that I am, actually, only eighteen. And eighteen, no matter how old I feel when there isn't a reflection to remind me, is still quite young. I am very young, I tell myself. There is (should be) still so much time to live and make decisions. I can't (shouldn't) honestly create such a concrete and deep emotional commitment at such an early stage in my life. There's still so much time to learn and grow and change. Don't lock yourself in just yet, I say.

Not that it's quite up to me, anyway.

The sensation of your skin --the temperature, the texture, the humidity, the colors-- has been very acute tonight.