new year's apple

I hate myself.

I am the stupidest girl who ever lived. I'm stupid. I can't do anything right. I can't take care of myself.

Last night I dreamed I tried to kiss you but you pulled away from me. Just as my lips touched yours, you got up, crossed the room, and took a swig out of the whiskey bottle. Then you sat down again and said, "Do what you were going to do."

The blood runs down my leg. Now I'm going to have a big, fucking, thick scar there because I pressed too hard. Because I forgot that you don't have to press that hard with razors. Because I'm stupid.

I hate myself. I always suspected that I wouldn't learn how to run my life just because I got older. And I was right. I don't do this well at all.

I hate the cut on my leg. I hate myself. I'm awful. I'm just so awful.